*This was sent as a poem, but EIC Kelly Esparza felt it worked better as an experimental piece.

with a line from Vanessa Angélica Villarreal’s A Field of Onions: Brown Study

1. i’m not here.
2. [bad news] [bad news] “good news! you’re not dying!” (yet)
3. solution: albuterol; for breath.
   a. sweet, powdery intake, like inhaling rose petals and crushed aspirin.
4. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; for mood.
   a. the fog lifts, if only slightly.
5. not thyroid, not anemia, not vitamin deficiency. so sayeth the blood.
6. [the bird flies.] what kind of bird? [the bird dies.]
7. “the moon rises.” duh. the moon always rises.
8. tell me something new. “you’re not dying.” duh. but what’s wrong?
   a. not thyroid, not anemia, not vitamin deficiency. so sayeth the blood. (again.)
   b. diagnosis: idiopathic.
    [‎ ] i. a path that leads nowhere.
9. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; for mood. amphetamine; for hypersomnolence.
   a. nothing changes. i take double my dose. nothing changes.
10. i pour. i pour out.
11. i’m elsewhere.
12. i empty. “you’re always empty.”
13. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; for mood. amphetamine extended release; for hypersomnolence.
    a. i can read again, at least
14. [you won’t find: roses. mums. baby’s breath.] talk to me in flower. talk to me in forever.
15. wounded. “where?” wounded.
    a. see: spine, cartilage, connective tissue, nervous system, digestive system, brain.
16. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; aripiprazole, for mood. amphetamine extended release; for hypersomnolence.
    a. this takes the edge off.
17. i am sleeping.
18. the bad news is; they don’t know what’s wrong (or how to fix me.)
    a. diagnoses: idiopathic.
    b. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; aripiprazole, for mood. amphetamine extended release; for hypersomnolence. duloxetine; for pain. alert: contraindications.
    [ ] i. [nightmare where my mom tried to kill me. it was worse than that, but i can’t explain.]
    c. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; aripiprazole, for mood. amphetamine extended release; for hypersomnolence. gabapentin, for pain. alert: contraindications.
    [ ] i. the pain never leaves.
19. i find two black pinion feathers. a raven?
20. i dream that once i sit down, i can’t get back up.
21. solution: albuterol, for breath. lithium; aripiprazole, for mood. amphetamine extended release; for hypersomnolence. gabapentin, for pain. alert: contraindications.
    a. my husband says i have a ‘lithium voice.’ i become meek.
22. i am somewhere else.
23. solution: albuterol, for breath. escitalopram; aripiprazole, for mood. amphetamine extended release; for hypersomnolence. gabapentin, for pain. ondansetron, for vomiting. alert: contraindications.
24. solution: roses, mums, baby’s breath.
25. solution: magical thinking. miracle.
26. what kind of bird?
     

A. Riel Regan (they/them) is a queer, disabled author of poetry and fiction with an intense appreciation for “the human heart in conflict with itself,” as Faulkner said. Their writing often deals with themes of conflict within the self, chronic illness, knowing oneself through nature, and spiritual connections. Their poetry has been featured in or is forthcoming from Pine Mountain Sand & Gravel, the Kentucky State Poetry Society’s Pegasus, The Curious Nothing, HOOT Review, Emerge Literary Journal, The Forgotten Writer, new words, Exist Otherwise, THE YELLING CONTINUES, and Impossible Task. When not writing or reading, they find themselves killing half their houseplants and boldly defending the other half from their cat.

Instagram: @riwritesatnight
Bluesky: @riwritesatnight.bsky.social