after Laura Theobald

i went to the doctor for chest pain / & i said to the receptionist / i have chest pain / & she said / ok fill out these forms / & i checked the box / that said chest pain / & also the box that said nausea / & also the box that said dizziness / & when the nurse called my name / i said / i have chest pain / & she said step on the scale / & i said / i’m here for chest pain / & she said / we need your weight / so i stepped on the scale / & she wrote down the number / & raised her eyebrows / like the number was a surprise

in the exam room / i said to the nurse again / i have chest pain / & she said / the doctor will be right in / & when the doctor came in / i said / i have chest pain / & he said / have you tried losing weight / & i said yes / but i’m here because of the chest pain / & he said / weight can cause all sorts of problems / & i said / but it feels like something is pressing on my chest / & he said / that’s common with high BMI / & i said / but what if it’s not that / & he said / it’s probably that

he didn’t listen / to my heart / he didn’t touch / my chest / he didn’t ask / when the pain started / he just typed into his computer / & said / i’ll give you a referral / for a nutritionist / & i said / but I’m dizzy too / & he said / that happens with poor diet / & i said / but i can’t breathe when it’s happening / & he said / exercise will help with that / & i said / but i exercise already / & he said / probably not enough
when i left / i still had chest pain / but now i also had a printout / that said / tips for healthy living / & i crumpled it in my hand / & when I got to my car / i thought / what if i’m dying / & then i thought / but at least i know my BMI

Caiti Quatmann (she/they) is a disabled and queer writer. She is the author of three poetry collections and editor-in-chief for HNDL Mag. Her work has appeared in Rattle, McSweeny’s, North Dakota Quarterly, The Journal, Neologism Poetry Journal, Little Old Lady Comedy, and others.

Instagram: @caititalks
Threads: @caititalks
Bluesky: @caititalks.bsky.social