I want to smile from my socks,
Brightly coloured with melons on it,
You know that full body smile.
My body hasn’t felt that in a while.
My face says happy,
But my body keeps the score.
There’s always something more,
To bring down the mood.
I feel the ache in my back,
The veins in my legs,
So tired of running, so
tired of tears shed.

I want to smile from my socks but,
Laughing feels like,
Driving 90km an hour.
Then suddenly there’s a stop sign;
I found the stop line.
For some reason, I get there in no time.
I can be genuinely happy,
But not for me.
There’s always a sadness; I’m
feeling lonely.

I want to smile from my socks.
They have sloths holding coffee,
With the word sloffee.
My spine cracks with the stiff realisation that life is not easy.
My neck snaps at the sound of suffering,
Always wondering, am
I suffering enough?

The stoplight never goes green.
What does it mean?
Why can’t my body hold that light?
Why should I always be in fight or flight?
Or freeze or fawn?
I used to be awake until dawn, but
now I sleep in,
It’s my new favourite pasttime,
Other than telling my friends they’ve passed time.
I don’t feel like going out today,
Maybe another day;
I’m sorry I don’t mean to disappoint you .

I want to smile from my socks,
To feel no pain in my body,
To make space for love,
To be challenged,
And to challenge my mind,
Every time it Draws that stop line,
I’ll run that stop sign.
My fears will try and stop me,
Like that red and blue light,
But I will go at 100k,
And let my laughter get away,
And never try and get it back,
Or rein it in.
See here’s the thing,
It’s OK that I’m happy,
It’s OK to smile, and
wear funky socks.

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Rania Omar (she/her) is an emerging writer from Western Sydney. Her writing often reflects on her lived experiences of mental illness and disability as well as culture and social commentary. 

Her aim is to create safe spaces through the written word and tell the untold stories. 

Website: www.raiseitwithrania.com
Instagram: @raiseitwithrania