she wants to limit our appointments to monthly visits. then to end treatment. she says it softly, gently. she asks me how i feel about this. i think i am supposed to feel relieved. or grateful. but it doesn’t sit right in my body, this faith she has in me to survive without her, breathe without trouble, know what to do when i don’t. what am i supposed to do without you? i try to be honest, say that i’m nervous thinking of it. my pulse races. i wonder if i said something wrong. if loving myself looks like i’m doing too well now to need her. the way you walk a tightrope between two buildings in the city of your life. is being in enough pain to talk to someone but not too much that you’re checked into the hospital, like you’re in danger of hurting others or yourself. that, i think, is the worst thing, balancing between honesty & a total loss of control. but in a way, i knew this was coming. this was only ever meant to be temporary. to heal means to lose something, the help i’ve become used to receiving. to get gone. she must see the look on my face, sense the thoughts in me because immediately, she says not to worry. we’re not over yet. she says not right now. she says eventually. i take a breath, a quiet thank you.

Sofía Aguilar (she/her) is a Chicana writer, editor, and library professional based on the traditional homelands of the Tongva and Chumash peoples, now known as Los Angeles, California. Her work has appeared in the L.A. Times, Refinery29 Somos, and New Orleans Review, among other publications. As an alum of WriteGirl and a first-generation college graduate, Sofía earned a BA from Sarah Lawrence College, where she received the Andrea Klein Willison Prize for Poetry and the Spencer Barnett Memorial Prize for Excellence in Latin American and Latinx Studies. Her debut children’s picture book Queer Latine Heroes: 25 Changemakers From Latin America and the U.S. From History and Today is forthcoming from Jessica Kingsley Publishers in September 2025.

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