You’re lying on your couch, watching tv, when the commercial interrupts.
A dog appears, its auburn-colored fur ruffling in the ocean breeze.The dog runs down the beach beside a tanned woman. The water is an obnoxiously green-blue; it reminds you of the turquoise stone you once wore on your ring finger.
The woman bends down to pet the dog. She looks at the screen. Are you tired of being in pain?
She’s staring right at you.
Tired of the aches at night?
You nod your head. How does she know?
Wish you could go back to your normal self?
Yes!
You stand up. Yes! Yes! Yes! Now you’re shouting at the tv. It feels as if the woman has held up a mirror to you, to your life. You see yourself in her.
You need Humfixa! Humfixa is a a once-per-day pill proven to treat your disease! Humfixa was proven to be forty percent effective after 1 year in forty percent of clinical trials. With just one pill a day, you can get your life back!
Upbeat island-themed music plays, and you tune out her voice. Who cared about exact stats? This could be The One! The answer, the match you’ve quite literally waited your whole life for! Screw acupuncture, yoga, a gluten-free-diet. What did those granola-lovers ever know? All you needed was one pill a day!
Images of you with a new pup (a golden retriever, of course) enter your mind. When can I sign up?
Get back on track with Humfixa.
You phone your doctor’s secretary to schedule an appointment. You ask for the soonest available––you can’t wait to discuss!
Side effects may include endless worrying whether the medication will work, a permanent addiction to reddit, drugs.com reviews, and other messaging boards, sleepless nights worrying about side effects, hives, stomach aches, fatigue. Spiraling to friends, family, and co-workers may occur. Tell your doctor if you plan to take a vaccine, a vacation, or get sick. Check with your doctor before you start.
Alex Fendrich (she/her) is a writer and educator living in New York City. Her work has appeared in Spondylitis.org and as a monthly column called “The Recalibrated Compass” for ankylosingspondylitisnews.com. She is currently pursuing her MFA at the Brooklyn Writer’s Foundry. When she’s not writing about health, grief, and rare diseases, you can usually find her strolling the blocks of the Lower East Side.
Instagram: @fendric_lamar