Last Halloween, I was too scared to hand out candy. I tried to give some to our youngest neighbor, Luka, but I just couldn’t. My fear was nonsensical, and I knew that. I’d just bought the candy, just opened the bag. It couldn’t have been poisoned, no way. But I just couldn’t get past that what if.
What if it was already tainted, what if I’d contaminated it without remembering, what if one of us was sick and passed something along to one of the trick-or-treaters, what if—
Three jumbo bags of Halloween candy—the good stuff, not cheap treats—thrown out because I couldn’t stop my fear. I couldn’t even let Anton hand it out in my stead. That was when I finally conceded I might have a problem.
Funny how those sorts of things come up, really. OCD. I’d not had any issues while growing up, none at all during the entirety of the pandemic. It was like a switch flipped one day and everything became terrifying. My mind wouldn’t stop coveting its worst possibilities, certainties. Rumination is a horrible thing to explain to other people. Even to a doctor, it can feel like you’re pulling teeth. And to justify it to yourself…well, that’s an entirely different story.
It took a few doctors before we realized that reassurances didn’t work. Then, Dr. Shelley. She listened patiently, reassured me only once. Then, she walked me through it. Logic didn’t work, I already knew, but damn it, we tried.
So, what if the candy was poisoned? What if the food I gave Anton was tainted? What if I was the awful person contaminating it all? Well?
Ah, so be it.
Shrugging it all off seemed counterintuitive. Really, it just made things worse at first. I cursed Dr. Shelley, called her every name in the book. Then, slowly, things became easier.
“You sure?” Anton asks when I stop to peruse the candy this year. I think about getting some chocolate eyeballs and hesitate due to their loose foil wrappings. No, anything less than a perfect seal will be ill-advised. I’m sure about trying again, alright, but I’m not about to poke my internal bear.
I get Reese’s peanut butter cups, the ones sealed in orange wrappings. Those are fine. We buy them last minute and store them above the fridge, as far away from the cleaners and other toxins as possible. Even though I’m sure, I’m still being cautious. Dr. Shelley is careful not to indulge me when I mention this. She smiles. It’s logical to keep candies away from such things, yes?
Anton and I bake cookies that Eve, play with the cats, watch Halloween while waiting for nightfall. I light our Jack-o-lanterns on the stoop and double check that our porch light is working.
“Are you sure?”
Anton asks me again as we change into our costumes. He’s a vampire; I’m a mad scientist. I reassure him as I pull my gloves on. Do they count as cheating? Well, I’m not planning on taking them off unless the bathroom calls me, so I’ll allow it. Anton doesn’t seem convinced, but I press forward.
Dusk. Already, the youngest were crawling the streets. I can see them visiting the neighbors through our spiderweb-encrusted windows. I wait.
A knock.
“Trick-or-treat!”
Luka. He’s a Ninja Turtle this time. He greets me warmly with an eager grin. His mother smiles from the path behind him. I know she must have had a talk with him before their visit, but those words were beyond me. How could she let him back after last time? I know Anton and I have both spoken to them since, explaining the best we could. Still.
Last year, I’d slammed the door in Luka’s face. A little kid, I’d rejected, frightened. What if he got poisoned, what if he got hurt, what if I did it—
This year, I force my thoughts past that. Yeah, what if? My voice cracks when I ask Luka which Turtle he’s dressed as.
“Donatello!” he chirps and waves his staff. Of course, I say. Has he much candy yet? Luka shows me the jumbo chocolate bar his granny gave him before he left, and I tell him that won’t do. The candy is lonely, right? He cheers.
Anton hands me the candy bowl. I can tell he’s still hesitant. One bag of three is open now, just the same as before. We were careful, though. The candy’s fine. I ate some earlier. It’s yummy. And Luka’s eyes light up when he sees it. My heart is pounding.
What if?
I swallow, pick one candy up by the edge of its wrapper. It’s safe. Luka’s mom will check his gatherings before he eats any, remember?
But, what if?
I hold out my hand. My insides are jello.
What if, what if, what if
When I drop the candy, my world is ending.
What—
The candy is in Luka’s bag now.
I stare at it, brain stuttering. Luka’s giddy. He loves Reese’s, he tells me. The what if’s are taking over again. I breathe, slow and steady.
Okay. That’s okay. It was out of my hands now, literally.
Luka is thanking me, his smile wide and unabashed. I barely hear the words, barely notice Anton sidling up beside me. He drops another few Reese’s into Luka’s bag and compliments his costume. I’m frozen. The what if’s haven’t stopped.
But…they’re slowing.
Luka is turning to leave. And he’s fine. I know he’ll be just fine, really. The what if’s can follow him, but that’s okay. I’m okay.
I call out to him, stopping him in his tracks.
“Luka…Happy Halloween.”
This year, I’ve done it. I might have to ask Anton to take care of the rest of the trick-or-treaters, but that’s okay. Halloween is a time to embrace your fears. And tonight, mine won’t be holding me back.
END
N.V. Morris is a queer author (he/they) working toward a career in wildlife conservation. They have been suffering from OCD since their high school years. You can find their work in Polymorphic, The Colored Lens, and narrated on Creepy Podcast.
Website: www.nv-morris-author.com